Why I Don't Tell My Kids They are "Smart"

Most parents, by and large, love to praise their children for their achievements, but did you know there is a right way and a wrong way to praise your kids?  Read the two following sentences and see if they sound familiar to you.

Wow, that's some great work! You're really smart!

Wow, that's some great work! You must have worked really hard!

You'll notice that the first sentence has more to do with the identity of the person being praised.  It makes a statement about who they are.  The second sentence has more to do with praising the person for their achievement.  The difference between the two sentences is mindset - a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset.

Stanford Professor, Carol Dweck, discovered that people see intelligence as fixed, while others believe that intelligence can be developed; she calls this a growth mindset.  She found that these mindsets lead to different behaviors and results.  Professor Dweck conducted a study on the difference between 7th graders with a growth mindset and fixed mindset.  The study shows that kids with a growth mindset increased their grades over time.  Those with a fixed mindset did not and not only did they not get better grades, they got worse grades over a period of two years.

To test your own mindset, click here.  We also recommend Dr. Dweck’s book, Mindset.

“I have always been deeply moved by outstanding achievement and saddened by wasted potential”   -Carol Dweck

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By praising our children with a fixed mindset (i.e. calling them smart) we impair them from believing that it is OK to struggle to achieve something.  We know that we all must struggle sometimes, to learn a new skill or to push our limits in a skill we already have.  Dr. Dweck's study shows that children who believe that intelligence is fixed (i.e. "I am already smart") will walk away from challenges and are more likely to cover up poor performance.